I am sad

I’ve just finished reading, or that is rereading a book.  I’ve read this book 10 times.  Maybe more.  And I’m going to start reading it again.

It’s not a book of import.  It’s not a widely recognized classic, no “Iliad” or Hemingway.  Yet it is a book that is as important to me as these books are to many.  It has a power that I can begin to explain.  I’ve finished reading this book and I want to cry.  I want to sit down on the ground and just cry.  It’s not really that sad of a book.  Sure some people die in our main characters life, some people are aging and have issues but that’s not what wants to make me cry.

I can’t put my finger on it exactly but this book is powerful to me for several reasons.

In this book our main character visits a psychiatrist and begins to explore and evaluate his life and his feelings.  He is a man who approaches his feelings and his life on a very esoteric level.  There’s not much exploration about what and why in this mans life.  Or rather there wasn’t in the previous books.  In this one, he embraces his feelings, gives up many of the modern tools that are given to the modern life and embraces a more simplier lifestyle with a nod to the modern day.  He doesn’t completely abandon everything modern, but he makes adjustments to do without some.

His wife is killed in an automobile accident, his children have grown and moved away and his circle of friends is aging and they themselves are dieing.  This strikes me very powerfully.  His wife is someone that we’ve read about for ever.  We’ve grown to know her.  We’re affected by her death as if it were someone that we know. And we do know her.  She’s your wife.  She’s my wife.  She’s the person that we love most in the world.  The kids, his kids. while not perfect, do turn out well.  My kids, while certainly not perfect, are turning out pretty well.

I think that this book hits me so hard because I can relate. The author brings you into the lives of his characters in a way that is all too real.  You can relate and you do.  I’ve read it and now I’m sad.

I’m growing old.  Am not even close to being content with my life.  I hate some of the things I have to do, love my kids; my wife; our lives together.  Like everyone else.  I’m not different than you or your neighbor or your friends.

This book tells me that, let’s me feel that…no MAKES me feel that.  It makes me feel old.  Makes me recognize that I live only on the surface.  That I ignore what’s below the surface.  What’s deeper than I care to see.

And that makes me sad.